A Mobile Blog: The HOG Slipper Club Tour of the Belgian Ardennes

The Times

Dateline Wednesday 8^th June 2011

Provisional report on the BEF attempt to take Eloi Church at Dunkirk and cross Biffin’s Bridge. Led by Colonel Mark Hawkins.

Col. Hawkins was doubtless hampered from the outset by the early loss of Major Ward and maybe history will look more kindly upon him than some of his men. Many Expeditionary Force leaders have returned to Blighty leaving a few men behind but it is unique to actually lose men on the way out and indeed Captain Guest must have pondered his wisdom in volunteering for this brave sortie when left standing on the vacated platform as the 15.10 train vanished in the distance to “The Front”

However, the BEF were soon reunited near Dunkirk (yes Dunkirk once more in British Military history) and after fortifying his “men” with fine dining & a little wine, they were ready on the morrow for the daring ride (or do I mean raid) on Eloi Church.

Foolishly some may say, Col. Hawkins directed Corporal Surrall to lead the assault which, with hind sight, was clearly an error. It quickly became obvious that navigation systems were being “jammed” by the opposition. Having sussed this, courageously, Capt. Guest swung eastwards from the main front and came in upon the church from the right flank to not only secure the Church but actually enter it and light a candle for which I believe he will get a Mention in Despatches. Against all odds he fearlessly held the church whilst news filtered in of heavy losses in the main party who were split up by enemy action, Corp. Surrall sustaining a direct hit, putting his screen out of action. Col. Hawkins managed to regroup his men and made one final attempt to take the direct route to Eloi Church but by this time Capt. Guest had had to surrender his position and get out fast, news having reached him that the main group were engaged with some Sherman Tankers who needed medical supervision.

Alas, just as Col Hawkins was within a stone’s throw of the Church, he caught sight of Capt. Guest in full flight for the safe haven of Cambrai and instantly decided to join forces but sadly had to abandon Sergeant Dowty & Corp. Surrall to their own fate.

It is perhaps best to draw a veil over any post mortem on that day’s action and simply say that Col. Hawkins must be commended for safely getting all of his men without further loss to their base camp at Dinant where there numbers were strengthened by Privates Billington and du Toit, the latter from a Commonwealth Division. Much time was spent in discussing their next target of Biffin’s Bridge and various suggestions and counter suggestions were assessed as to whether a full frontal assault or an attempt to sneak in from the side would be more successful. Private Billington took little part in these discussions and later admitted that he wasn’t sure exactly where the bridge was. Also Private du Toit’s mind was elsewhere as he later revealed that his Mother had been a little pale that morning.

Further concerns were also expressed that Raif (pronounced “Raaalph”) von Crappen, the dreaded Red Barron had also been sighted in the vicinity of the Bridge but Srgt. Dowty reassured the men that the last time Raif had even had a sniff of the Bridge, he had fled in panic. The men remained cautious however as the Red Barron was well known for liking to be right at the front.

It also fell to Srgt. Dowty to give the men a fine rousing speech which filled them with hope and courage and we believe that with one final thrust the Bridge was conquered but as yet this report remains unconfirmed although Capt Guest was handed some evidence by Prvts. du Toit & Billington which would seem to support that the Bridge had been stripped of all coverings previously placed by the enemy. In fact Prvt. Billington said he had a song about it although with his lisp that might not be exactly what he meant.

And so the time came for the BEF’s return to Blighty. Prvts. du Toit & Billington, not trusting Col. Hawkins navigation could not in fact get out quick enough and made a Cut & Run without even waiting to say “goodbye”, but who can blame them and one must remember du Toit’s French ancestry.

The withdrawal to the Tunnel nearly went without hitch except for Srgt. Dowty taking so long to get into his camouflage outfit that the entire unit were nearly taken from behind. The unit was then skilfully led by Capt. Guest with a final rendezvous on French soil set for the Tunnel shops but having taken his eye off Col. Hawkins for only a brief moment, even this final act was doomed. Having waited for sometime at the Rendezvous Point alone, Capt. Guest realised all was not well and so he rode (manfully, alone yet again) towards the Shuttle where he found Col. Hawkins in shell shock (or was it Shell Suit?) repeatedly muttering “whur have the shops gourne” and “this lukes lark a treen” plus “oooh Gourd nouw me sterters boogered” and other Black Country expressions. Srgt. Dowty did his best at comforting/mopping the dribble but in vain. And so once more on to a train with 25% of his men lost – Crpl. Surrall having been captured (but later released without charge) for his part in an Italian baby smuggling ring.

As I said earlier, it will be for history to judge Col. Hawkins but already one hears subterranean mutterings that he might mount another attempt next year – may God help him!!

Anon